What Makes Me Confident?
Confidence is extremely important, there is no doubt about that. The other thing is - how can you get it?
I never had a man who could help me to believe in myself. I met the men who were obsessed with me like crazy and became so dependent that I couldn’t respect them and couldn’t value their opinion, and I met the men not interested in me enough to care about my feelings. And it was not their fault; I don’t want to blame anybody. But I just never had relationships which could help me to build my self-esteem. I think it was for the best because you shouldn’t rely with this type of things on other person, you should work on them by yourself. And in my case I didn’t have a choice. I had to do something in order to stop feeling miserable, lonely, not worthy, etc. I’ve been rejected so many times (by the same person, by the way) that I got a huge desire to cure myself so I would never be hurt again. Pain helps us to grow, it changes us. And I was lucky to change for the best.
So what exactly helped me to become new me? What helped me to stop thinking about the rejections, what healed my wounds?
Well, it was a long way and I am still working on myself. And will be working for the rest of my life. But I can definitely see some improvements. Here is what I learned from different books, films, classes and retreat centers.
Learning new things! Yes, this is number one rule for sure. When you study you create new connections between your neurons and these new connections can replace old painful ones. Instead of thinking how 5 years somebody rejected me or how 2 days ago I failed the presentation at work I think about the class that I just watched or about a book that I just read. Learning helps me to become more creative, to react faster, it keeps my brain more focused. And focused mode is a happy mode for our brain. We get upset more when we wander. On the other hand, when we are focused on the particular task we are happy. I can bring another million reasons of how learning can improve your self-esteem, but I think it is obvious so I will move to my next cool stuff!
Meditation! I know a lot of people hate it and don’t get it. I didn’t like it either in the beginning. I had to force myself when I just started. But when you get used to the process of meditation it actually becomes very helpful. The point of meditation, the way I see it, is that you can look at the situation from the side and turn your emotions off. The only problem here is that you have to spend a lot of time before you get to the stage when you can see the effect. And some people give up because they don’t see the improvements right away. But if you are patient and you continue working on yourself, at some point you will be able to find the part of you which is beyond fear. And this is very satisfying, it just feels great! Fearless me! Yay! I think that this is the main benefit of mindfulness. Okay, what’s next?
Being nice! I don’t know, maybe this one will not work for everybody, but it helps me a lot! The idea is that when you accept people around you the way they are, when you like them no matter what, you feel strong. Like nobody can control you, nobody can make you angry or frustrated. Think about it: if someone is really mean or annoying, but you are still calm, polite and nice, who is the winner in such situation? Sometimes it is super hard to be kind, that is why it is so valuable and rare, because it requires a lot of efforts. And that is why people start paying attention and respect you; they can feel your strength. And when I say be nice I don’t mean to be a pushover, you still need to listen to your heart and brain and do whatever is good for you. Being nice to me means to respond with love or at least with respect. Don’t let others control your wellbeing and don’t let yourself to make others feel miserable.
Healthy lifestyle! Oh my, this is so important! I usually try to have a good sleep. And it is mostly because I want my brain to function well. When you are tired – you cannot focus, your mind becomes wandering and you have all these dangerous thoughts that you don’t have energy to fight with. If you didn’t have opportunity to have a good sleep try to take a nap, and if you cannot do that, try to focus on your breath and kind of sleep with your eyes open for a minute or so, it can help a little bit. Working out is also great because it is fun and it makes your body look better. Besides it helps to develop good habits. And healthy food is good for your skin and overall appearance. Try to eat a lot of veggies and fruits and avoid processed food. Diet and Exercises will help you to feed your synapses and will keep your brain in better condition.
What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger! This idea created by Nietzsche is very helpful for your self-esteem. We are afraid of many things for the unknown reason. When in reality most of the time there is no reason to be worried about. When you are not afraid you become confident and attractive. So when you are scared, try to think if it really can kill you? Can you really know if the outcome is good or bad? In my life most of the worst things that happened to me turned out to be the best! It took me a while before I realized it, and I wasted some of my time on whining and complaining. Don’t repeat my mistakes! Let it go and move on!
My Hobbies! I love to play piano, do yoga, read books, working on my blog, making videos, and a lot of other things. When you do what you like you start loving yourself more. And you even become more attractive to others. Your hobbies easily keep you focused and as I mentioned before in focus mode you become happier because you don’t wander.
Helping Others! It is scientifically proven that good deeds increase serotonin level, the hormone which makes us happy. Altruism provides us some importance. We feel unconfident when we are not needed, when our potential is not used. I think that nature built us this way so we could develop our potential and grow. It pushes us to some improvement. You can support your family, do some extra work in the office, organize charity events, etc. I volunteer in Children’s Hospital and participate in Big Brother Big Sister program. And I hope I will do some fund-raising for kids in future. We need to give back to community in order to feel good about ourselves.
My Purpose! In the end of the day you need to have the meaning in life. You are the only person who can figure out what your purpose is, I would highly recommend you to find it as soon as possible if you don’t know it yet: and to put most of your efforts towards this purpose. Try to make it internal and not linked to other people, particular job and other external type of things. Purpose is not a particular goal; it is more like a direction. When you see it, you know where to go. And then you can think of tools that you want to use to get there and be more specific. I made a mistake in the past and thought that my purpose is to be a wife. But it requires another person which is not always achievable (never try to control others!!!) So I realized that I wanted to be a good wife because I wanted to share my love and positivity. Now I know that my purpose is to help others to love themselves. That is why I started this blog and my YouTube Channel!
Love! This is the last one but probably the most important. It puts everything together like a glue. I was lucky enough to fall in love so much that I got a huge desire to work on myself. And I realized that the first thing I needed to do is learn how to love myself so I could love other person without asking anything in return. When you give love to yourself you can give freedom to the one you care about. And you can replace your own fears with this love and become more positive and attractive! Don't try to change other person, work on yourself, love yourself! Be independent and as a reasult - confident!
As you can see it is all about your brain and what can help you to control it. We all are unique and have something to offer to this world. Find your thing and train your brain to work on it! You cannot become confident just by doing nothing; you need to work on your development. I believe in unconditional human worth, I really do. But I also know that the gift should be shown. If you hide your talents from others and from yourself, they will not serve you. You can repeat million times “I am great, I am great!” But if you don’t put efforts you will have no truth behind these words and will be even more miserable. Be honest with yourself, never give up! Externals should not be a priority. You should be a priority! Listen to your inner voice and take the responsibility for your happiness and growth. Self-love gives you the biggest confidence in the world!
Be strong and love yourself!