Relationship Homework
Most of us want to have good relationships with their partners. But how often do we think about the way to make it work? How often do we make our decisions related to love consciously? I think that a lot of problems between the partners arise because we don't think that love is a skill, that it is something we need to work on. We just follow our instincts and if we get lucky it works but usually, if you just blindly follow your desires, it doesn't. After number of mistakes I learned few lessons that I want to share with you. Here is my relationship cheat sheet which helped me to go through the difficulties. I hope it will help you too!
1. Work on your self-esteem. This part is very important. If you are insecure, most likely you will have too much worries. And worries are never good for anything. They do not serve us well unless they help us to avoid the life threatening event. But jealousy, for example, is not a real danger for your life, it's just jealousy, that's it! But how many issues it can create! You shouldn't rely on your partner with building your confidence. The more other person comforts you, the more insecure you actually become. You start being even more dependent and attached. So you should work on your brain by yourself. I recommend "The Self-Esteem Workbook" by Glenn R. Schiraldi. It helped me a lot! You can find something else. The idea is to become independent from your partner's opinion in terms of your worth.
2. Find your purpose. Sometimes we think that our purpose is just to be with someone we love. And sometimes it really is! If you are lucky. But it can happen that your partner sees the life differently and wants more freedom. And he or she doesn't need your constant presence. It is not easy to be an object of someone's admiration actually. Imagine if your partner doesn't want to do anything except spending time with you. For few days it might be fun, but for the lifetime it can turn into a nightmare! Besides, if you build your life just around your loved one, you become too attached and too dependent. On other hand, once you found your purpose in life, you can have something that belongs to you only, something you can control and work on. You can inspire your partner to do something meaningful too or just share your success and positivity created by working on your purpose!
3. Constantly work on your development. It doesn't matter what do you do as long as it is healthy and helps you to improve your skills. You can focus on sport, reading, writing, traveling, painting, volunteering, etc. It's up to you to decide. I love my blog, love to help people. So I read books or take classes about psychology, Buddhism, brain, neuroscience, happiness, self-development, etc. The more knowledge I have - the more I can give to others. Development keeps you busy, it helps you to increase your self-esteem, it keeps your mind in focused mode, takes away unnecessary worries and makes your life simply joyful even if your partner is not around.
4. Understand your feelings. If you want to have good relationship you need to be honest with yourself and understand what you want. Usually we want to get pleasure and avoid pain. Yes, it is that simple. We get pleasure when we are with the person we have "chemistry" with or some other stuff that cannot be actually explained. We feel pain when we can't be with this person or we have fears of losing our partner. Our behavior depends on these two factors. That is why it is so important to be honest. Stop blaming other person for your pain, and stop making him a hero because of your pleasure. Be mindful about your own feelings. If you get more pain than pleasure from relationship, most likely you will end up breaking up. Sorry, but it is true. Of course there are exceptions, but very rare. So try to get rid of your pain. If you follow 3 steps mentioned above, you won't feel too much pain even if your partner acts not the way you planned most of the times. You become invulnerable and can deal with any circumstances. This way you can choose the partner not because of convenience but because of true pleasure! And this is so cool! Yay!
5. Learn how to enjoy the moment. I love this idea! One of the reason some relationships fail is expectations. "I can't wait he introduces me to his mom!" or "He has shown me his place, I am sure it means that we are getting married!" or "He held my hand, it is getting serious!". I hope you got the idea. In reality you never know why someone did something. And the next day this person can change his or her mind forever. So don't put too much expectations in your head. It doesn't mean you cannot dream about something, I actually encourage everybody to have positive thoughts about future. But don't make other person be responsible for your sometimes crazy and illogical ideas! Be a rational optimist. And as I mentioned earlier, be honest with yourself. We don't know what will happen tomorrow, so be grateful for what you have today and don't let your expectations destroy something that you already have.
6. Become very rich! Ha-ha, I am kidding. Money cannot buy love. Be understanding. When you learn how to be confident, you can focus not on your fears and concerns about your worth, but on your partner's needs. It is so important! As I mentioned before we all want to avoid pain and get pleasure. So find out where are your partner's pain and pleasure hiding? Some people value their freedom so much that they prefer to be alone sometimes. So you will have to give them the freedom. Stop bombarding your boyfriend with texts if he doesn't like it. Or maybe he or she wants more attention, then give the attention, in that case don't be afraid to contact your loved one. Don't just do what you like, think of what your partner enjoys. And again, if you are confident, strong person, most likely you are a giver and taking care of your partner will bring you even more joy than getting something!
7. Watch your thoughts. Please, please, please stop creating negative stories in your head and if they come up don't put all of them on your partner. I am not saying that you shouldn't share your concerns, you need to give your partner a chance to understand you and to know what you think. But first check if your narrative is true. Sometimes we torture ourselves with some fears that do not exist in present moment, but are built from our previous experiences or just something we heard from others. If you need to discuss some issue you feel really important to you, be very specific and do it without blaming your partner. You need to remember that your fears and your pain usually have internal cause. And your partner probably has no idea what is going on and will not be able to solve them, but he or she has the right to know. Maybe it will help to eliminate the confusion. It is better to say, "I want to understand you" than "How could you do that". The worst thing you can do is to send cryptic messages. Sometimes your thoughts can be so far from reality that other person will not even know what to say. And you can get mad that your partner keeps silence, when your world is falling apart. Be straightforward and very honest. Honesty is the quality of strong people and is always respected and rewarded!
8. Be happy! It is so much easier to be with positive person. Negativity is heavy. If someone accepts your bad mood, be super grateful! Most of the times this is not the case and who can we blame for not being able to deal with sad person? If you don't want to work on your happiness and development, why should your partner do that? I hear a lot people saying "He should accept me the way I am if he loves me". And it's true. But if you don't work on yourself you will stay unhappy, because other person will never be able to go inside of your brain and fix your own issues. Happiness is very important for you! Don't underestimate its value! Read books about it, take classes, watch documentaries, meditate, practice kindness. There are so many ways to become happy for no reason!
9. NEVER TRY TO MANIPULATE!!! I am not even going to explain why. If you don't get it, you probably should stay single. Sorry!
To sum-up I want to say that if you want to have good relationship all you need to do is to work on yourself. If you love your partner it will be enough. Just don't waste your time on someone who is not attracted to you, or even worse, on someone you are not really attracted to. Everything else can be fixed!
And remember, there is nothing wrong in being single! Don't be afraid to stay by yourself for a while and always keep believing in miracles! They do happen! Especially if you work on yourself 😉
Be Strong And Love Yourself!
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