The Fear Of Being Hurt
Sometimes I feel emotionally uncomfortable. What do I mean by that? I mean that multiple chaotic thoughts are attacking my brain, I have tension in my body, and a huge desire to act without knowing what exactly I need to do. This is highly unpleasant sensation which I think we cannot avoid, but we can definitely recognize it and make it last for an hour instead of days, months and even years.
Usually when I face something that I don't like I want to understand it. Why do I feel this way? Why am I worried so much? And we should never look for the answer outside of us. For example, don't focus on the following explanations: my boss is mean, my wife is not caring, my kids are stupid, my neighbor is annoying, etc. If YOU feel bad, you need to figure out what is wrong with YOU! It is very important to understand it. If your whole life you look at external circumstances only, you will never find the answers. You will continue to suffer without knowing what to do unless you are lucky and life will help you out. It happens too, thanks God!
But if you want to solve your problems by yourself without waiting for someone else to come your way and save you, then you need to look into yourself and see what exactly brings you this feeling of unease. From my point of view most of the times it is the fear of being hurt. Which makes a lot of sense. The main function of our body and brain is to survive. So if we think that something can hurt us, if we are afraid of something, we get the signals from our body within our brain that we need to act. Please keep in mind that action is not always necessary, and even if your body and brain believe that you must do something, it doesn't mean it's true. Don't trust your brain! If you are upset because of the past event, you are probably afraid that it will happen again, or you are afraid that you will never get over it and this event will ruin your entire life. Or if you think about future event, the situation can be more or less similar - you can be afraid that future will bring you some pain because you don't know what will happen. And the fear of unknown creates anxiety. Our natural response is to avoid any type of pain and danger associated with it. But our brain was built millions of years ago so you cannot always rely on its unconscious decisions. With your own fears you create your own pain and this is a vicious cycle!
You know how sometimes you build up a big enough static charge and your car gives you electric shock when you get out? I usually know that it will happen in advance, I just don't know how to avoid it and I start experiencing unpleasant sensation even before I get out of the car! The electricity is not there yet, I have no pain but already picture it in my head and experience it. I believe that the same thing happens with negative emotions. The event we are afraid of is not there yet (and probably will never happen!!!), but we already feel the pain caused by the fear of this event taking place. You can be afraid of your partner cheating, your kid getting sick, losing your job, breaking your leg, looking stupid in front of your friends, dying, and so many other things you cannot control. And I noticed that usually each person has his own biggest type of fear. So find your weakness, this knowledge will help you to make the improvements. We are afraid of something that we believe can cause us so much pain that we will not be able to handle it. You can think that you are afraid of not getting a new job when in the end of the day you are afraid that it will hurt your pride and you will not be able to go through that. We don't want to experience pain and we try to avoid it as much as we can. Why is that a problem? So we avoid pain, what is wrong with that? I think that one of the biggest issue is that we create fake solutions because we do it unconsciously. We have instincts and experiences which help us to process information on the back of our head. You don't touch the fire because you know that it will hurt you. You don't think about it, you just don't do it. The same thing can happen at work or in relationships. Or even with your health. When I was a child I was terrified by dentists. I would tolerate toothache just because I was afraid of dentist so much that I couldn't force myself to visit doctor's office. I preferred to numb the pain with some painkillers. When you know how to numb the pain you can get rid of fear... Just for a while. Numbing is always just a short term solution that will never really help you. It actually will make you weaker and even more scared because it will take the opportunity of proving that you can handle the situation away from you. This is extremely important to remember when you are scared!
So what should you do? You need to understand two crucial things: sometimes pain is not avoidable and you must accept it, and if there is a way to avoid it, you can only find it with clear mind. Now let's look at these two things a little bit closer.
I want to start with killing the fear by finding the way you can avoid the pain. I actually think that most of the time we shouldn't do that. I think that instead of thinking how you can make your life easier we should think of how we can become stronger. By avoiding fearful situation you are losing the opportunity of getting new experience and new knowledge. If you don't have new experiences how can you develop and evolve? If you stay at the same place it means that you will always have your particular types of fears and will continue to suffer. You should get rid of fear by avoiding the pain only if you can see clear benefit of this choice for you or for the people you love. And if you can see it consciously. For example, when you work too hard, you can take a break to accumulate some energy and improve your health. Or you can relax and go on vacation with your family instead of killing yourself in the office and spend no time with kids. Like in any other situation it is very important to stay mindful and don't let your ego make the decisions for you. I've seen some people getting into fights and hurting each other really bad just because they had a fear that someone would be laughing at them, that someone would think that they were weak. But sometimes you must forget about your pride and think about people you love, how they will react when they see you in the hospital or in prison? Just don't be stupid and avoid the situations which will bring you no benefit except pleasing your ego. Oh, I almost forgot about important example of avoiding the pain! Never chaise the person who is not interested in you! Let it go. If it's your soul-mate, you'll be together anyway.
So now lets move on to my favorite part! What to do if you cannot avoid the pain? When you know that you will be hurt and you are super scared? I love the saying: "In your darkest moment you must believe that it will pass"! I think it is the most helpful thought that ever came to my mind when I was facing a fear. There is nothing permanent. Unfortunately we all have the moments of grief but we also have the moments of joy! And all of these emotions come and go, they cannot stay with you forever. So when you are facing the situation which causing you pain or having the potential of pain in future, remember that it all will pass. And the more emotionally intelligent you are the faster you will be able to get rid of the pain. Meditation works miracles! If you meditate every day in a while you will notice that the amount of painful time is reduced. I don't know exactly how it happens, but I know for sure that meditation changed my brain dramatically and the things that used to make me devastated for weeks, are making me upset just for one night now. And I am sure in future I will transform hours of suffering to minutes the same way as I transformed weeks and days to hours. I want to share one problem that I am constantly facing with meditation thou. When my life for some reason becomes less stressful and just by luck I get wonderful moments of peace during couple of weeks or even more, I stop meditating. I am very disciplined person by nature, I am just lucky, I don't like short-term pleasures. But if you have a habit of numbing your pain all the time you can create fake illusion of happy life for a moment instead of learning how to really become happy and resilient. You better face your fears and understand yourself rather than constantly be diving into the unrealistic world of meaningless pleasures. So coming back to my meditation practice - unfortunately if I stop practicing meditation, my brain becomes more vulnerable again. It happened to me so many times! Now I get better and I try to meditate even when life is wonderful and there is no danger on horizon! You need to be prepared to difficulties. Don't wait for disaster and start working on your consciousness right now. I really want to emphasize the importance of constant meditation exercises. It is as important as any other aspect of healthy lifestyle. It is not enough to work out and eat organic veggies, you must work on your brain also. Mindfulness helps you to release stress which has a tremendous effect on your wellbeing. People who are aware of their emotions, their strengths and weaknesses are much more resilient and as a result more successful. Their life is easier and they have higher capacity to help others and make a difference in this world. In tough situation you should not rely on your instincts which mostly are based on keeping you away from pain but learn how to be more mindful. In long run acceptance of unpleasant situation can be a better solution. If people avoided fear they would never discover anything. When you are afraid of going through some situation, or making some decision switch your fear of unknown to the fear of losing an opportunity. Some people are afraid of commitments and they lose the opportunity of having a family, kids, caring wife. Others are afraid of interviews and cannot find a better job. Or you can be afraid of starting your own business which probably could be very successful but you will never know it. Winners usually are those who don't run after the stability and have the reasonable amount of uncertainty in their lives when it's needed. We cannot control everything anyway, but by facing your fears you make yourself stronger and get more benefits in the long run. Miracles happen outside of your comfort zone, so if you stay inside you will never be able to see them!
The other thing that is crucial when we talk about fear is ego. I already mentioned it earlier but I want to emphasize the impact of ego on our thinking. When we are too focused on ourselves we are more scared. I don't know how to explain it, but I can feel it. If I think only about me being hurt, I forget about my life purpose, about things which usually are important to me. I cannot see what is going on around me, I cannot see how other people feel. As a result I have lack of information and cannot make the right decisions. One thing is to listen to your inner self, to understand your weaknesses, and another thing is to be self-centered. You just cut yourself from the reality by doing that. If you only think about getting pleasures, avoiding pain, making yourself feel good and comfortable, you will not be able to be competitive because there are plenty of people who are facing their fears and they become strong and help others, they can make a difference. It is always your choice who do you want to be.
Remember, we are afraid because we don't think that we can handle something. But human's brain has enormous amount of abilities. We just don't even know what we can achieve! Try something that can help you to face your fears and discover your strengths. You can run marathon for example. Or learn how to get the splits. I heard about Firewalks, someone finds it helpful too. Some people do Skydiving and it helps them to have this wonderful feeling of joy right after they let go of their fear. Find your thing and go through it! Train your brain!
I am a woman, so my preference is to love with no fear. This is my way to become stronger. It sounds easy but how many people lost their relationships because they were too scared of being hurt? It takes a lot of courage to love unconditionally, to stay loyal without trying to find a replacement any time your partner does something you don't like, to give a space to other person when you miss him terribly, and to be there for him when he needs you.
By working on your fears you make the life of people you love a little bit easier. And if you see that there is someone who tries hard to fight his fears in order to make your life better - be grateful and appreciate that!
Help each other to be mindful, caring and loving!
Please don't be afraid to give and to love!
Be Strong And Love Yourself!