The Benefits Of Solitude
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Today I want to share with you my experience of how I moved to United States from Russia. I will be talking about my mistakes and some benefits that I got from my loneliness that I faced in a new country.
Here is the link to the video for my today's post: The Benefits Of Solitude.
First, I would like to say that I have never lived by myself before I moved to Illinois. I lived with my parents, then I met my ex-husband and moved in with him. After my divorce I lived with my older sister. So when I moved to America, it was not just the change of location for me, it was a change of lifestyle. I didn't get used to spend nights and days by myself, I always had some company. In Russia I had so many friends that I could literally go out with them everyday. There always was someone available for me. I didn't really had a chance to be by myself too much.
And then one day I started a new life in Round Lake, Northern suburb in Greater Chicago Area with population about 18,000 people. Before that I lived in Moscow, a capital of Russia, huge city with population of almost 13 million people if you only count residents. I liked Round Lake because it was quiet, but I knew that it wasn't a place for me. It was too different.
In the beginning I didn't know what to do with my free time. And I made few mistakes that I am going to share:
I wasted way too much time on social media. I was spending hours on Facebook. I was posting a lot of my photos, videos, I was looking at what my friends from Russia were doing. I tried to stay connected. It is not a bad thing in general. But when you spend most of your free time on social media, and you do it not mindfully, it becomes a waste. Right now I don't even have social media profiles. I only use YouTube and my blog. And it helps to save a lot of time. You don't have to delete your social media profiles like I did, but please try to notice how much time you spend on them and if you get any benefit.
I watched too many TV shows. I think I watched Friends 5 or maybe even 7 times, ha-ha. I could be just watching different shows for hours and not doing anything. Right now it feels so weird. How could I do that? My habits changed so much. I cannot just sit and watch TV now. I usually clean my apartment in parallel with watching, or I sew, I can work out, or I can have my dinner. But I cannot just watch TV shows and be sitting on my couch. I hope you won't make the same mistake as I did and won't spend too much time on TV Shows instead of doing something useful.
I spent too much money on shopping and going out. When I felt lonely, I wanted to get out, I wanted to do something. So I used to go to the restaurants all the time. And I couldn't really afford this lifestyle. I used credit cards and credit line, I put myself in a bad financial situation that I am still paying for. And I will make a separate post about my financial mistakes in future, so I won't go into too much details now, but the idea is that boredom can push us to waste money on useless things. So please try to be mindful when you get bored :-)
I also did some good things. And I want to share now what I found useful and how my solitude helped me.
Volunteering. I wanted to be around people I guess, wanted to feel important. I think volunteering is a great way to fight loneliness. When we give something to others without expecting anything in return, we feel more freedom, we improve our self esteem, we build new relationships, meet new people with similar values. So if you moved to a new area where you don't know anyone, try to find some opportunities for volunteering. I was volunteering in Save-A-Pet organization, where I was taking dogs for a walk. Then I volunteered in Children's Hospital. And I also was mentor in Big Brother Big Sister Program. Volunteering in the hospital helped me to be more organized, because I had to go there every Saturday, so it helped me to build some type of weekend schedule and keep myself busy.
Classes, learning. One of the biggest benefits of spending a lot of time by yourself is an opportunity to learn new things. You can have your own schedule, you can focus on your self-development. And learning can be fun! For example, you can attend some classes. I took singing class not long time ago. I also recommend Coursera, where you can find a lot of very useful courses. If you like to dance, then find dancing studio. If you like to cook, maybe you can explore some cooking classes. I went to painting classes few times also, it was fun! There are so many interesting things you can try. And it will help to work out your brain and maybe muscles, depend on what activity you choose.
Sightseeing. Whether you move to a new place or you just feel lonely in your old area, there is still always something to explore. Museums, exhibitions, concerts, sport events, parks, restaurants. I am lucky that Chicago has a lot to offer. What interesting places you have in your area?
Library. I really liked library in Round Lake. In Chicago they are not that cozy like in suburbs. I used to go to the library and hanging out in there. I was surrounded by people, everyone was polite. And it was free! When I moved to Gold Coast in Chicago I lived by Barnes and Nobles book store. I loved it so much! I would go there, get some coffee, bunch of books or magazines. Most of the times I was reviewing books and buying the ones that I liked. This is how I found some of very helpful literature. So when you feel lonely, books can become your friends. You can also read a book in the park. I am addicted to that! One of my favorite thing to do.
Find perfect location for yourself, based on your own preferences. Everyone is so different, we value different things. I remember how one friend of my friend was showing us his apartment which was very big and in a nice building in West Loop. And I could think about was the idea "why would someone invest so much money in a place which is so far from the lake". In my mind if you live in Chicago, you need to take benefit of the most beautiful thing in this city - Lake Michigan. But most of my friends do not share the same values and they don't live by the lake. So everyone is different. Just don't pick a place to impress others, to please someone. Choose neighborhood that you like! I love Gold Coast! I am so thankful that I live close to the lake, to Lincoln Park, to a lot of nice restaurants and shopping malls. Perfect location for a person like me!
Don't date someone out of despair. When we fell lonely, we can try to find a partner who will help us to feel better. But when you don't have feeling to this person, you only will torture yourself. I am so happy that I never dated anyone just for sake of not being lonely. I did have not very successful relationships since I moved to US, but at least I was seeing guys that I really liked, I enjoyed there company, I was happy with them. I was seeing these people because they were interesting to me, not because I was lonely.
Smile to neighbors. Psychologists say that when we say Hi to our neighbors and smile, we feel better. This super short interaction with the same people on daily/weekly basis helps to feel accepted and secured. We are social animals, we used to live in tribes thousands of years ago and we still have some instincts. When you walk in your neighborhood and meet the same people and you are nice to each other, you become more calm. I love my neighbors, and a lot of them like me as well. I can go to the park and most of the times I meet someone I know and I can make a small talk.
Spirituality. My solitude helped me so much to improve my relationships with God, and I am so thankful for that! When I lived in Moscow, I was always busy or entertained by something or someone. But when I started to live alone, I started to feel God presence, I felt how much he loves and supports me. It is like a miracle. This helped me a lot to have a better life, to be more positive, to be more fearless. Why would I be afraid of loneliness if God is always with me and He always gives me everything I need? If you don't believe in God, you can try to build great relationships with yourself, take care of yourself and give yourself love. And solitude can help you with that also.
I also wanted to say in the end that even thou there are benefits of solitude, you don't need to avoid people. Don't force loneliness just for the sake of self-development, career or anything else. When we are socially isolated, we secret molecule called tachykinin, which can create fears, paranoia, and negatively affect immunity system. Tachykinin is almost like a punishment from nature for avoiding people. We are social beings and we need to interact with others, so don't go too extreme with your solitude.
Life will always give you everything you need. Relax and enjoy every moment of it!
Be Strong And Love Yourself!
From Dasha With Love!
Love Wins!
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